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This programme contains
strong language.

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and you gave without taking

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and stopped me from shaking

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Well, well, well. Mandy Carter.
Wonderful to see you again.

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So you did get my invitation?

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Invitation? It's hardly a cheese
and fucking wine evening, is it?

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It's not what I call an invitation!

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There's no RSV-fucking-P.

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It's a brown envelope with the words
"Important, do not throw away" on it

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and a letter that says I have to
attend an interview

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or my benefits might be affected,
in big black letters!

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Not exactly an invite to
the Governor's fucking Ball, is it?!

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But yet here I am.

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Have I missed the vol-au-vents, or
is the butler bringing those round?

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OK, Mandy, as you know,
I have a statutory duty

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to check on the status
of long-term benefits claimants

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to see if there's something
that is preventing them

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from achieving success
in the national job marketplace.

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- Or whether they're just
taking the mickey.
- And... No.

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And whether we need to devise
a get-back-to-work plan for them.

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Yeah, yeah, I've got
a get-back-to-work plan for YOU!

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Why don't YOU get back to work

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instead of calling me in here
every week and making me

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- Miss Bridge Of Lies with Ross Kemp?
- I don't know what that is.

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I just don't see why we have to
keep up this fiasco.

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Unless...

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- What?
- Unless you like me coming in here.

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- Oh, God.
- Is that it?
- No.
- No?
- No.

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Do you think you might stand a
chance with little old Mandy Carter,

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- yeah, is that it?
- No, Mandy,
that's... That's not a thing.

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- Isn't it?
- No.

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Isn't it?

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- No.
- Sometimes it's like I can
feel those little beady eyes

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of yours burning into me...

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..mentally undressing me.

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- You're doing it now.
- No. I'm not.

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And that's a very serious
accusation, actually, Mandy.

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And it's legally incumbent upon me
to ask whether or not

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- you'd like to register
a formal complaint.
- Nah.

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I mean, you're only human,
aren't you?

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And I can't be bothered
with all the forms.

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But it all goes in up 'ere,
for when the time is right

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and BBC News want to get out of the
house and investigate some perverts

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who don't work in the building.

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Come on, then,
let's get this over with.

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Right. OK, well, looking at your
recent employment history, Mandy...

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I mean, what happened
with the waitressing job?

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That was an up-market restaurant.

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I had to pull a lot of strings
to get you that.

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And you lasted all of...23 minutes.

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Apparently there was an incident
with a bottle of champagne.

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CORK POPS

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Agh!

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I've only ever seen champagne
in the Formula 1.

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- I thought that was how you served
it.
- One man lost an eye.

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I mean, this is serious, Mandy.

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Not to mention the dry-cleaning bill

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had to be paid for
out of your earnings,

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meaning that, incredibly,
you actually have less money now

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than when you started the job.
I mean, what's it going to take

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for you to find something
that you can actually stick with?

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Can you drive?

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- Why?
- Why? Because it would increase
the amount of jobs

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- you can apply for, wouldn't it?
- Oh...

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- So can you drive?
- Oh, um...a bit.

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- What does that mean?
- Well, I've had
a few lessons a few years back,

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but my instructors were all
absolute tools, the lot of them.

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- But you did have some lessons?
- Yeah. 200 or 300.

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- 200 or 300?
- Yeah.

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Not one of life's natural drivers.

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- Right. OK. So, do you have
a licence?
- No.

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Right. Well, that rules out
a lot of jobs, then, doesn't it?

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- Well, like what?
- Like... Like... Think about it.

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Like a delivery driver.
Like taxi driver.

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Driver. Mobile library.

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- There's an ice-cream van job going.
- Ice cream?

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Why didn't you just say that
straight off? I'll get my licence.

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Oh, OK. Good. There's a really good
place I can recommend, local.

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They can get anyone passed
within three weeks, they claim.

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- Three weeks?
- Yeah.
- That job might be gone by then.

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- It probably will.
- Oh!

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Leave it with me.

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SHOP BELL JANGLES

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Mandy? What are you doing?
We don't want books in here.

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They are totally at odds
with the happy-go-lucky vibe

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- I'm trying to create.
- Been to the library.

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Got out all the books they had
on how to pass your driving test.

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Highway Code,
How To Pass Your Driving Test,

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Driving Test For Dummies,
Driving Miss Daisy,

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Confessions Of A Driving Instructor.

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You are really going to learn
to drive?

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Complete idiots do it.
How hard can it be?

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What is that on your arm? Tattoos?

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Oh, no. It's, uh, braking distances.
I've got my theory later.

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Good luck, Mandy!

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- Would you like me to test you
on road signs?
- No need.

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Got 'em all up my legs.

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Could do with a lift
to the test centre, though.

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Could be the last lift
you ever have to give me.

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- Name?
- Mandy Carter.

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- Is there anywhere I can get a cuppa
soup while I wait?
- I'm afraid not.

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- Have you got anything
to put in a locker?
- Locker?

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Why do I need a locker?
I'm here for a test,

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not 20 lengths of breast stroke.

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You have to put your things
into a locker

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just to make sure you can't cheat.

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- I've got nothing.
- OK, well, great.
Then you just need to be checked.

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- Checked?
- Let me have a little look
at your ears, please.
- Ears? Why?

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Some people try to put earpieces in
so that a friend can help them.

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- Dirty cheats.
- Yes.

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Yeah, people like that
should be banned from the roads.

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Ears.

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Now just roll up your sleeves
and trousers, please.

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SHE GULPS

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Sleeves and... Why?

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You're not going to believe this,
but some people actually

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try and write the answers
up their arms and legs.

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ALL LAUGH

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Uh-oh, Mandy!

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- How are you feeling?
- Not too great, actually.

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- Think I better go home.
- Oh, God, that's a crying shame.

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- You're going to have to get
booked in for another time.
- Yeah.

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OK, well, no rush. You just leave
whenever you're feeling better.

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I'm going to head back to reception.

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Oh, hang on.
Um, cos I just wanted to ask,

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um...how long
does the test...actually...take?

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Really good question.
It's about an hour.

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- About an hour?
- Mm.
- Right.
So, what, that's, like, 60...

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- ..minutes...
- Yeah.
- ..then?
- Yeah.

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- Yeah, it's about that.
- Yeah,
all right, thanks for the tea, bye.

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Congratulations, Mandy. I'm pleased
to say you passed your theory.

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That's good, cos I've already
put in for my main test.

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- It's tomorrow. Hope the examiner's
not too pernickety.
- Uh-huh.

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- Mandy Carter, ready for your test?
- Yeah.
- Follow me, please.

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Well, you passed the eyesight test.

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Yeah, seeing's no problem.
Got these big eyes like boiled eggs.

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Please pull away
when it is safe to do so.

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What are you writing?

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When you went to pull away,
you didn't look all the way around.

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I did.

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- Not all the way.
- I'm not a fucking owl, am I?

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- What are you writing now?
- None of your business.

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Well, it is my fucking business.

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"Very rude"?!
You're very fucking rude!

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That's it! I'm terminating the test!

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Oh, no, please! Please! I'm sorry,
I overreacted. I'm sorry. I'm...

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I'm, uh...perimenopausal

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and I've got ADHD.

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OK, I understand.
I'll give you one last chance.

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Let's start again. Please pull away
when it is safe to do so.

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On to the first section of the test.

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Let's try an emergency stop
when I...

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Oh!

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- Not yet!
- You said "emergency stop"!

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Not yet. When I bang my clipboard
on the dashboard.

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Well, you did bang your clipboard
on the dashboard!

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Please pull away
when it is safe to do so.

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And we're off.

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I'd forgotten how much fun
driving can be.

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Is this a 50mph zone?

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20, Miss Carter. Slow down.

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TYRES SQUEAL

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What is wrong with you?
I said you need to go much slower.

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All right, keep your hair on!

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- Oh! You're an idiot!
- How fucking dare you?!

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I told you, you need too slow down.

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All right! I mixed up the brake
with the accelerator!

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I beg your fucking pardon!
It's my first test!

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I'm not Nigel Mansell
or the fucking Stig, am I?!

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Keep your eyes on the road!

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- What are you doing?
- You were drifting!
- I'll drift you!

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Turn those off!

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MUSIC PLAYS

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- That's the radio.
- Yeah, well,
I can see that now, can't I?

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- Keep your eyes on the road!
- Don't you fucking touch me!

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- You are going to kill us!
- Get off!

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Stop the car! Stop the car!

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Right. Get out!
I'll drive from here.

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Good riddance.

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Ah...! Stop! My coat!

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SHE YELLS

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MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING

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Help! Somebody!

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SHE YELLS

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MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING

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Please, please, please, please,
I'm begging you!

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MUSIC OFF

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Oh, fucking hell.
What's happened to you?

192
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- You look awful.
- You tried to kill me.

193
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Sorry about that. Let's start again.

194
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,520
You're getting blood on the seat.

195
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,160
I think there's some wet wipes
in there.

196
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You are a lunatic!

197
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,480
Argh! Get off!

198
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,160
Get off!

199
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You fucking idiot! Get back!

200
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SHE SCREAMS

201
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Get back!

202
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I can't breathe!

203
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Get off!

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Oh!

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CAR ALARM WAILS

206
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Is that the end of the test?
Have I passed?

207
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:03,240
I never want to see you ever again.

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00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,720
So...congratulations, Mandy Carter!

209
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,360
Yes!

210
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,360
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS

211
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,000
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

212
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,920
Oh, fuck me. What now?

213
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,320
Oh! What?

214
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,800
- Can I have a 99?
- Please!

215
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,960
- Can I have a 99, please?
- That's better.

216
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,320
Oh...

217
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,600
Run out of ice cream.
Do you still want the flake?

218
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,360
Yes, please.

219
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,960
Run out of flakes.
Do you still want the cone?

220
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,720
- Yes, please.
- There you go.

221
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,080
There's no ice cream in this.

222
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,400
That's £1.50, please.

223
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,520
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS